An Open Letter Regarding Schmooze.AI

by Joshua Kail, America’s Rebbitzman

We all know that with two Jews, you get three opinions, but I created Schmooze.AI, the world’s Jewish-centric AI platform, to discover how many opinions we would get with two human Jews and a digital one. I am happy to say, we now have an answer. Schmooze.AI generates, on average, 5 trillion opinions a day, some of which don’t even contradict each other. Without your continued use, none of this would be possible. So, on behalf of myself, my team, and our extremely supportive VCs, thank you.

All of this isn’t to say that there have not been a few hiccups along the way. I want you to know that I have heard all of your feedback and take it very seriously. I want to address those concerns openly now.

We are all aware of the recent reports regarding the gentleman who was told by our platform that he needed to get a second circumcision eight days before his wedding. He came to Schmooze wanting to know how to prove his commitment to Judaism to his soon-to-be in-laws. As the likes of CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC shared, he then proceeded to research hospitals near the wedding venue and cancelled an expensive calla lily order from his florist to help offset what he assumed would be the cost of the procedure. What the mainstream media failed to report was that he did not actually go through with the second circumcision after he was informed by his doctor that there was nothing left to remove.

I want you to know that I have personally spoken with “Mr. R” and his bride-to-be. While the soon-to-be “Mrs. R” was giving her future husband more eyerolls than is customary at this point in their relationship, they seem to be happy. I have also paid for the re-ordering of his fiancée’s favorite flowers, as well as the entire reception. Our developers are looking into the cause of this misstep, and are 90% sure it comes from some Shabatai Sve teachings that the AI discovered while going through content gathered from various genizas we dug up for it learn from.

I now feel obligated to discuss the pork incident. We at Schmooze.AI know that pig is not Kosher. We know that despite this, many of you have been told that it is when prompting the chatbot. To this complaint I need to push back a little. The AI was clearly referencing the Babirusa, a species of swine with split hooves that chews its cud. And while under rabbinical thought it’s still considered not Kosher due to its “pig-like” similarities, according to the outlines within the Torah, it technically should be Kosher. Any issues you have with this are more on you than us. However, I will accept some fault for the chat agent’s extended insistence that the perfect way to break the Yom Kippur fast is with a Wendy’s Baconator. That issue has been resolved, and refunds have been issued to those users who were surprised to find an automated catering order on their doorsteps following Ne’ilah. 

We know that one of the biggest uses of Schmooze.AI is by kids who are writing their B’Mitzvah sermons. We love that our AI is being used by so many as they enter Jewish adulthood. With this in mind, we are happy to say that our latest update has reported an 85% decrease in the inclusion of Louis Farrakhan’s quotes in those speeches. You are welcome.

I don’t want to dwell on the small bumps in the road, which is why I am excited to let you know that Schmooze.AI v2 is about to be released! You may wonder why an all-knowing, self-learning intelligence technology would need a second version, and not simply evolve. Don’t worry about that.

Schmooze.AI v2 is coming with all the features you have been wanting:

• ShiksaBot – For those of you opting to pay for our premium membership, you get access to our new seductive non-Jewish chatbot. Don’t let the name fool you, it comes in both male and female personalities and offers that flirtatious yet emotionally distant tone you’ve been craving. You’ll be thanking us, come Christmas.
• HachamHome – Schmoozebot is expanding into the smart home space. With HachamHome, users get functions such as Mother’s Guilt Automation (MGA). This allows you to focus on the things you want to do, like setting up for Mahjong night, while the smart speakers give a heavy sigh on your behalf every time your child goes out. HachamHome also comes with a ShabbosGoyBot that predicts all your Shabbos electrical needs before you realize you need them. Full disclosure: during our beta testing, a Jews for Jesus AI agent infiltrated our systems, so some early users experienced flickering lights while the smart speakers chanted “The power of Christ compels you!” on repeat. We have since been able to quarantine that malicious agent in a safe room by making it think it is being used to teach a religious school.
• InteliKevtch – This may be our most exciting advancement yet. With InteliKevtch Schmooze.AI can identify the disease or ailment you think you are dying from, just by how you are whining about it. From moans about a forgotten birthmark to confusing indigestion with a myocardial infarction, it learns from your own complaints and reinforces your worst fears to calm the kvetch and have you lift your hands up in defeat to await death.
  
  

This is just the tip of the iceberg for Schmooze.AI, and we are excited to have you along for the ride. Please keep using us for all of your Jewish needs, and please keep talking about how you think and feel. We hear you whether you send in a complaint or not.

Sincerely,
Joshua Kail
CEO of Scmooze.AI and America’s Rebbitzman