Jew-Maxxing

by Joshua Kail, America’s Rebbitzman

Many of you may only know me as a wildly popular and hilarious Jewish humorist. What you may not know is that I am also the leading social influencer of the Jew Maxxing movement. You may be wondering, what is Jew Maxxing? So let’s dive right into this simple program that will change your life!

What is Jew Maxxing?
Judaism is a religion; it is a culture, but it is also the latest form of extreme living. Jew Maxxing is all about taking the fundamentals of being a Jew and exploiting them TO THE MAX. Why just “be Jewish” when you can exemplify Judaism and, in turn, find success and power beyond your wildest dreams…within the four walls of your synagogue at least. The time to be a beta Jew is over, so walk with me into the Tribosphere and unleash your inner Aleph-ness.

How to Jew Maxx

Jew Maxxing is easy, and you can modify it however you need. At the same time, if you don’t do absolutely everything in this article, it just means you are a sad poser who might as well order a shrimp cocktail and give up! It’s ok, we in the Tribosphere understand that some of you are simply not genetically designed to go to the maxx.

Jew Maxxing is about stepping into a room and instantly changing the question on everyone’s minds from “Are they Jewish?” to “Am I Jewish enough?” That is how you establish dominance in any minyan. From getting the aliyah to obtaining a unanimous vote as the next Temple President, Jew Maxxing is your life hack to power and prestige within the community.

Jew Maxxing Techniques

Peyos- For beta Jewish Men, they walk around with two uncut sideburns on each side of their face like a nudnik. Jew Maxxers laugh at this. The commandment says not to cut or shave the corners of your head. Unfortunately for Beta Jews, the head has more corners than just the chin and sideburns. Jew Maxxers amp it up…to the maxx! Nose? Corner! Don’t shave your nose hair. Brow line? Corner! Let those eyebrows put Eugene Levy to shame. If the hairline next to your ears counts as a corner, then so should those bumps on the back of your head. That’s right, Jew Maxxing means you have 4 peyos, not just two.  When you sashay into oneg with your four peyos, your long flowing nose hair, and eyebrows that could keep the strongest dust storms at bay, people will notice you in awe.

Sheitels- Jew Maxxing isn’t only for the fellas; women can get in on Jew Maxxing as well. The traditional sheitel is, well, drab. Straight brown hair wigs, yawn. Yes, it’s for modesty, but modesty shouldn’t mean invisible. Jew Maxxing is all about being oppressively visible. Even if you are not in a sect of Judaism that traditionally wears a sheitel, you will want to once you take the Maxx Train to a gilded Jewish life. Jew Maxxing is all about the wigs…powdered wigs of the Elizabethan age. Start wearing a 3-foot-high bouffant to the community seder or take on the spitting image of Marie Antoinette at the next oneg; that position in the local region of Hadassah or within Sisterhood is yours! That’s right, you can have your ogah and eat it too!

Kipot – No, this isn’t about wearing a kippah with your favorite sports team or Spiderman painted on it. How you choose your head covering is an integral aspect of true Jew Maxxing. It sends a subconscious message to all around you that you are more than a pedestrian Jew. You may think the “maxxing” of Jew Maxxing means go big on your Kippah choice, but the opposite is true. You want to find the smallest possible kippah, then cut it down even smaller so that it becomes a micro-yarmulke. The smaller the kippah, the bigger your head looks. Big heads have big brains, and Jew Maxxers are nothing if not big-brained smarties.

Diet – I’ve written about this before, but all Jew Maxxers follow the Yidkins Diet to an OU.

Body Alteration- Jew Maxxing doesn’t just mean altering your looks to the extreme; it means reaching the epitome of Jewish body functionality. Now, I am sure you have heard about other (inferior) maxxing movements out there that do things like hammer their own faces to cause microfractures in the bone to accentuate cheek and jaw lines. This is fundamentally stupid and doesn’t work. Jew Maxxers do not do this. Instead, we apply the hammer directly to our knuckles to create the microfractures. The result of this practice is that when you hear Haman’s name chanted in the megillah, all you need to do is shake your fingers and the resulting cracking sounds mean you have Maxxed your hands into living graggers.

Another body alteration to make while Jew Maxxing is the cold shower plunge. Jew Maxxers only ever take cold showers, never dry their hair, go for long walks barefoot, and if they have small children, spend no less than 10 minutes a day rolling around in their toys. The reason for doing this is simple: Jew Maxxing means you always have a chest cold. Simply pronouncing Hebrew the Ashkenazic way isn’t enough; you want to make people think you were the person who invented Hebrew with the depths of your “chhhs.”

Whether you have your eye on that Temple President opening, want to move in as the de facto Groyser Macher at your schul, or simply want to be the prize specimen of the schul singles group, Jew Maxxing isn’t an option; it’s a must.