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Lauren’s Top 5 Eligible Biblical Bachelors, Ranked for Purim

When most people think of biblical characters, we don’t usually see them as “dateable”. They’re far too removed from modernity, their customs and ways too different. The language barrier alone would be enough to give most people pause. But, my friends, I am here to change all that. I am here to convince you that not only are biblical characters dateable, they are premium boyfriend material.

Hasn’t your mother been nagging you about finding a nice Jewish boy? Luckily, you need look no further than right here.

5. Elijah

If you’re going for a biblical boyfriend, why not one who already visits your house all the time?

Elijah may be a busy man with a busy schedule–he has to attend every single bris in the world, after all–but as a regular worker of miracles, you can be assured that he’ll miraculously make time for you. He’s easy to get in touch with, too: leave the door open and a cup of wine on the table, and he’ll come running. You’ve probably known him since childhood, and that kind of familiarity gives him a leg up over potential boyfriends you’ve only just met.

For extra oomph, Elijah is also identified with the angel Sandalphon, whose four wings can carry him anywhere in the world in an instant. You’d never have to sit in traffic again!

4. Moses

A nice Jewish boy if I ever saw one

At first blush Moses may not seem like anyone’s ideal man. But–have you seen The Prince of Egypt? Go watch The Prince of Egypt and then come back and tell me you wouldn’t take Moses on a date.

Probably the key to Moses’ appeal is the wealth of experiences he’s had in life. He’s lived as royalty, as a humble nomad, AND as a biblical hero with the power of God on his side. No matter what walk of life you hail from, Moses could probably relate to and understand you–or at least make an effort. Compassion and empathy are the hallmarks of all great leaders, and Moses is a man who can meet you where you stand.

Just don’t tell him to ask for directions. He’s notoriously bad about that.

3. King Solomon

The wise and complicated King Solomon comes in at a comfortable #3 on this list, and with good reason. This man has it all: he’s extremely wealthy, knowledgeable, fair-minded, and reportedly very handsome. With Solomon at your side, you could look forward to a life free from want, with all your needs covered.

Need help solving a moral dilemma? With his God-given wisdom, Solomon is happy to talk it out with you. He may not always give the best advice, but he means well. It’s his duty as king to help all his subjects, and you’re no exception.

Just don’t remind him about that time he got coaxed into idolatry and subsequently fell from God’s favor. Or the time the Queen of Sheba tricked him into sleeping in and missing his priestly duties. (“How was I supposed to know she put a black sheet dotted with diamonds over my window? It sure looked like nighttime to me!!”)

2. King David

Gonna be honest, 13 year old me could not possibly have foreseen 23 year old me drawing bible fanart, but here we are

 

If you’ve spent any amount of time with me online, you know I have an embarrassing crush on King David–so of course he ranks highly on this list. (This is not a Purim goof. This one is 100% serious. Ask me about my stupid crush on King David)

Obviously, David’s creativity is a plus. He likes to sing, write poetry, and play lyre. Skilled as he is in battle, music is his real passion. All those beautiful psalms we recite on the daily? You can thank David for those. With David as your boyfriend, you could be living a life filled with music and poetry. Not a bad deal, eh?

While his son Solomon has the makings of a prince charming, David is a regular guy with greatness thrust upon him. He’s down-to-earth, humble, and–perhaps most importantly–as flawed as any of us. (So he had an affair that one time. He acknowledged that he messed up! You’d be hard-pressed to find a modern man who will acknowledge his own failings)

1. Satan Himself

I know what you’re all thinking. “Lauren. All these nice Jewish boys, and the literal devil is at the top of your list?” but listen. It’s Purim, and I have to see this bit through to its logical conclusion. The reigning champion of Biblical Bachelors is none other than the Prince of Darkness himself.

If you’re trying to use this statue to convince me NOT to date Satan, it’s not working

I know for a fact that the Belgian artist brothers Guillaume and Joseph Geefs agree with me. Joseph was commissioned to sculpt a statue of Lucifer for a cathedral, as part of a series of statues showing the triumph of good over evil. His statue was so beautiful that the clergy declared it entirely too distracting for a house of worship, and then tried to commission his brother for one that was less risqué. Somehow, Guillaume’s statue (pictured at left) came out even >more attractive than Joseph’s. By this point the cathedral just gave up and installed the second statue. You can still see it in its original setting in St. Paul’s Cathedral in Liege, Belgium. (Who wants to go to Belgium with me? Any takers?)

You may not think Satan is exactly “boyfriend material” like the other bachelors on this list, and frankly, you’re right. He may not have Elijah’s miracles, Moses’ leadership, Solomon’s riches, or David’s musical talent–but I think there’s an argument to be made for having a supernatural hottie for a boyfriend. Just imagine yourself cradled in those big, strong arms of his, encircled by wings for an extra layer of warmth. I bet he gives great hugs.

Worried about his tendency to lead humans away from the path of God? I wouldn’t be. There’s a great folktale that goes like this: God finds Satan moping around, bored to tears. “Aren’t you supposed to be tempting humans into sin?” God asks. “That’s just the thing!” Satan replies. “Before I can get a word in to tempt them, they’ve already gone and sinned!”

Surely, humans have spent so much time leading themselves astray in the last few years, Satan must be out of a job by now. (Which would give him lots of time to cook for you and keep your house neat. I’m just saying. Satan as a house husband. Think about it.)

In conclusion–if you’re looking for some overall Good Jewish Boys, look no further than our very own bible. Happy Purim, and thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

About Lauren Fellows

BJN Staff Pokemon Expert. Anime enthusiast, social media addict, compulsive doodler, dedicated storyteller. Check out my art at laurenfellows.com

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