Sexy Shabbos with Dr. Jenni

Becoming More Orgasmic

Orgasm is the experience of pleasure that begs to be repeated. This can be physiological, psychological, and/or spiritual pleasure. Alone or partnered, it also helps to pre-heat the oven with desire, arousal, and self-mastery of your own erotic responses. Remember that self-pleasure is about pleasure—not just expunging stored energy or releasing tension.

So how do we become more orgasmic?

Dogs, horses, and chimpanzees want sex because they are biologically driven to pass on their DNA. Humans may want sex for the same reasons. But, want and desire are different. The difference lies in the ability to comprehend pleasure. Desire is that cerebral hunger to be sexually intimate because you know that it feels good. Thus, desire lives in the brain. Our neurotransmitters fire on and start activating.

Keep in mind that for some people, this activation might not happen until you are 10 minutes into foreplay or 20 minutes into intercourse. Yes, falling in love with running on the treadmill doesn’t always happen right as you walk into the gym. It may take three miles into the workout to get those endorphins going.

Arousal, on the other hand, is the escalation of lower body blood flow. This is not to ignore the rest of our erogenous body map, as ears, neck, toes and tongues can also be super sensuous spots.

To become more orgasmic, we must invite in desire and arousal. Allow your mind to turn off and your body to turn on. Encourage another person’s masculine or feminine energy. Weave in fantasy, sound, sight, taste, and the full amorous ambiance.

Remember, this is an invitation—to invite your sexiest self to the show. You might start this by creating a laundry list of 10 things that make you feel sexy. This can include items of clothes that accentuate your femininity or masculinity. It can be a way you style your hair. It can be a body part or an activity that makes you feel strong and sumptuous. Many women (especially in Boulder) feel very sexy after conquering a long hike to the top of a mountain. Many men feel very sexy after a sweaty game of tennis or serious yard work. Some of us feel sexy wearing lingerie and dancing in front of the mirror. Others feel sexy in that suave suit dancing at the nightclub. Some feel sexy eating a slice of juicy challah or delicious dark chocolate or telling witty jokes.

Whatever gets you going, is most important. It’s your to-do list before going on a date, presenting that huge public speech, or just when you need a pick-me-up.

Now that your list is created, let’s move to self-pleasure. Sound and breath are the two secret ingredients for helping your body towards a more orgasmic experience. I encourage you to fully surrender to your self-pleasure. This may mean broaching a boundary by doing it big and doing it loud. Yes, even if you live alone and the walls are thin and the neighbors know no one is home except you. Whether or not you are easily orgasmic, orgasm in self-pleasure helps activate orgasm in shared pleasure. This may require using role-play to nudge yourself closer towards your full-pleasure potential.

Ultimately, reproducing pleasure means we need to invite desire, allow arousal and surrender to the full-body, mind and spirit sensations. Go ahead and accentuate your authentic expression. Go ahead and become the star of your own erotic fantasy. Go ahead and become more orgasmic.

If you want to learn more about becoming more orgasmic, please consider joining me and colleague Deb Rubin, LCSW for our women’s only workshop: Becoming Orgasmic Two (Saturday May 15th, 9 AM to 5 PM).

About Dr. Jenni Skyler

Jenni Skyler, PhD, MSEd is a sex therapist and board certified sexologist. She is the Director of The Intimacy Institute for sex and relationship therapy in Boulder, Colorado. She holds a doctorate in Clinical Sexology and a Master of Education in Counseling Psychology - Marriage and Family Therapy track. She has worked in the field of sexual health as a therapist, educator, and public health consultant since 2005. In addition, Jenni is a PAIRS® certified instructor and hosts workshops and retreats to help couples emotionally enrich their relationships.

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