If you are more of a planner, you might have picked up a few meals while at King Soopers and stashed them in the freezer for a rainy day. But the consumption is the same—instant gratification and fleeting amusement.

Dating has not always been this way. Dating used to be called “courtship” and implied a search for long-term partnership and/or marriage. In the early 1900’s, middle class menschen called upon a shadchan to find their beshert. Then they would show up at a woman’s doorstep armed with flowers and pre-planned poetry. These were the days when romance signified heterocentric traditions of manly strength and womanly virtue. As gender became more fluid in the 1960s, women began to challenge cultural and social inequities and the sexist structure of power. By the 1970’s and 1980’s traditional gender roles lost universal acceptance. Everyone was getting an education, and marriage became more and more delayed, if done at all. Add in the evolution of our electronics, and now our social climate operates on the fast-forward button, as evidenced by how we instant message, instant email, instant shop, drive, eat and meet.

But how did we get here? How did the deliberate courtship dance decompensate into an expeditious dating game devoid of deeper intentions?

Sociologist Anthony Giddens credits society’s rising emphasis on individualism and globalization. The conundrum is that we crave intimate connections, endlessly look for love, yet we simultaneously struggle with a high-speed culture centered on self-satisfaction . Thus, intimacy and dating are simply a means to an end where the end goal becomes self-gratification.  The lack of commitment creates an easily dissolvable relationship. Hence, dating simulates the microwave meal, a transitory activity done for fun. Two people hooking up only long enough for their erotic needs to be met.

With globalization people can connect worldwide without being physically proximate with one another, as seen by online dating. However, people may feel easily disposable as web-relationships are easy to enter and exit and individuals can be traded in for seemingly superior profiles. As such, dating, particularly the online version, starts to feel like a casual commodity.

The silver lining is that while individualism may encourage people to act in a more self-focused fashion, intimacy cannot exist without the authentic development of the self. And though globalization may make dating feel like window-shopping for love, it does provide connections across oceans. When people only interact face-to-face, sexual intimacy tends to be the focus. Online exchanges, however, encourage other types of communication, such as emotional and intellectual intimacy. This can create a more meaningful and genuine connection, especially in a climate where dating can be an informal endeavor.

But whether you date online or off, whether you are single and searching, or whether you are tied together for the past four decades, developing deeper bonds and interacting with intention can still be accomplished in today’s climate. The challenge is making casual connections more intimate.

Our individualized human nature often creates a strong, solid shell that is intended to prevent others from wounding our core. But when we hold love at an arm’s distance, we never really love at all. If each of us is an artichoke, the goal becomes to allow ourselves and another to slowly peel back the layers of those prickly, protective leaves until we arrive at the soft, juicy interior. We do this by communicating and sharing pieces of ourselves.

Yes, we can easily pop in the microwavable mac-n-cheese meal, but it takes more time and courage to create a new cuisine from scratch. The end result may be a shakshouka with a broccoli kugel side. Yet when you grow your own ingredients and combine them in creative ways, the meal melts in your mouth and is more satisfying.

So go ahead and date. But if you are looking for deeper intimacy, be willing to shed some layers of your inner artichoke. “Slow down, you movin’ too fast, you gotta make the morning last, just kickin’ down the cobblestones, lookin’ for fun and feelin’ groovy.”

Have a sexy Shabbos!

Miriam’s celebration of her sexual health is exemplary. But there is a lot of shlepping around involved, as the market has us believe that we often need to purchase our pleasure in the form of a pill or cream. There are many pharmacological products that purport increased blood flow to the genitals. However, the best way to breathe life into the erogenous zones is by capitalizing on what nature already gave us—our own five senses.

We have sight. What images incite your sexual appetite? Is it your partner sopping wet, wrapped only in a towel? Is it the stranger dressed in pinstripes walking down Pearl Street? Maybe it is the erotic video you downloaded last night? Don’t be shy to stock your shelves with visual candy.

We have hearing. What sounds stimulate you? Do you like the soothing sounds of rain and ocean waves? Do you like listening to erotica online? Maybe you prefer the background beats of Matisyahu or Itzak Perlman? As sensitive as your ears may be when your lover is nibbling on them, remember to include sounds of seduction to start you down the road to romance.

We have taste. What flavors tantalize your taste-buds? Is it warm, fresh challah on Shabbos, or the lychee fruit floating in the exotic martini? Maybe it’s the dark chocolate dripping down your partner’s chest? The more your mouth waters with anticipation and satisfaction, the more genital fluids follow suit.

We have smell. What aromas arouse you? Do you like kugel-scented candles surrounding your bathtub? How about rugelach baking in the oven? Or the pungent schvitz-smell of your partner’s pheromones fresh from the gym? Your olfactory sense can be a great beginning towards the big-O.

We have touch. What type of contact turns you on? Do you like soft tickles while cuddling in bed? Or a deep-tissue massage after doing the Triple By-Pass event by bike? Or the bubbling pressure of the jaccuzi jet on your genitals? Touch is often the skin’s signal to get the fire ignited.

Our brains and our bodies provide the best sensory tools for getting us in the mood. The market may have us believe that without modern supplements, our vulvas will wither and die. Yes, lube should be every woman’s best friend, and the vibrator should always reside at the bedside. But even if you are the REI of arousal paraphernalia, don’t let your sensual products substitute the splendor of what you already naturally own. Feel free to fill your shoebox with the latest sex toys, but also keep in mind that sensuality is a feeling that you embody, not something you can buy.

Every vulva may need a little more vavoom, so don’t be shy to add a little CPR to resuscitate your sex life. Whether self-applied or partner-assisted, go ahead and make the most of your five senses. Turn up the iTunes. Pop open a Messiah Bold by HeBrew. Inhale the scent of steamy cinnamon rolls. Gaze into your lover’s eyes. And caress each other all night on the couch.

Or deprive one sense to accentuate another. Because teasing can be the ultimate temptation, blindfold your partner as you trace your finger along their skin. Or undress each other prohibiting touch until you can’t take it.

If you add or subtract, tease or deny, remember to tap into the power of your own pleasure senses and enjoy what nature has to offer. Have a sexy Shabbos!

More recently, football star Brett Favre got stuck in a scandal of cell phone seduction. There was talk of his retirement last season, but he will never retire from these allegations. And what will he do next? Probably repent and sign up for a sex addiction clinic. It’s a useful excuse to help salvage some of the public stigma. But none of these men suffer from sexual addiction.

They suffer from sexual ignorance. Like so many of us, they are ill-informed on how to discuss with their partners their desires, needs and wants—even if that means getting these filled elsewhere. Sure, we joke about the latest Lady Gaga outfit, but when did we ever talk about sex in an authentic and healthy way? When learning about pregnancy prevention, did we also learn that our bodies and pleasure are ours to own and explore? When learning about algebra and chemistry, did we also learn that long-term relationships are hard and that we have to work at communicating with our partner should we desire to uphold an exclusive contract?

We often offer our kids silence. Because that was what we were offered. As if talking about sex automatically gives permission to be promiscuous. Or opens the door to instant STDs and pregnancy. But if we say nothing, then we know nothing, and we eventually take our curiosity elsewhere and learn about sex from Myspace, porn sites, friends or… strangers.

The downfall of countless leaders demonstrates that society fails to adequately deal with sexuality. It is almost a crime to deny ourselves and our children information and education that we need to be sexually healthy throughout one’s lifespan. Doing so will only lead to continued consequences—as evidenced by numerous public figures who articulate one set of “family” values yet take action on others.

But, our leaders are not the only ones who experience the sexual itch. As sexual beings, we’ve all tasted the monotony of monogamy—especially in relationships stuffed with silence or deficient in sensual and juicy conversations.

I once asked a man how he managed to make his marriage succeed for 51 years. He replied that his love just deepened with the decades. Then he whispered, “And truthfully, if I need to be with another woman, I’ll just close my eyes and fantasize about her.”

I later asked his wife if she considered her husband faithful. “Of course,” she replied. “I know he sometimes fantasizes about other women when we are having sex. But that’s ok. It has given me permission to fantasize about other men. And you know, this has only made our sex more passionate and frequent!”

This couple illustrates how to make marriage work. They discuss how they make love to one another, and periodically have carnal romps with fantasy imagery. They discuss how at first this made them jealous until they talked about love versus sexual variety. They discuss how they make space for both companionship and seduction. They discuss.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where it is easier to have sex than talk about it. It’s easier to advertise music and products in a hyper-sexualized fashion than have candid conversations about the intersection of safety, pleasure, and intimacy. It’s certainly easier to have a secret affair than discuss this desire with our partner, as exhibited by Bill, Brett, Tiger, Elliott, etc.

Machers of our modern world, hear me loud and clear: Denial is not just a river in Egypt. We will only keep seeing more scandals if we continue to deny the integral role sexuality has in our lives.

When we start to talk about our desires, fantasies, struggles, and sacrifices in a straightforward and sincere manner, we will begin to cultivate a healthier sexuality—as individuals and as a society. So go home, talk about sex, and have a sexy Shabbos!

Joseph met Anne during orientation week at college. He was instantly attracted to her, but Anne had a boyfriend back home. They began a sweet friendship in chemistry class and began backpacking on weekends. Anne’s long distance relationship eventually disintegrated, and her friendship with Joseph started to ignite. They shared a kiss one evening over a campfire and became insatiably inseparable ever since.

Steven met Julie online at Jdate.com. Steven’s profile said he wanted a woman between 30-39, who liked cats, sarcasm, snowboarding, bluegrass music, and meditation. Julie fit the bill perfectly and two years later they were married at the top of Vail Mountain, snowboards in hand.

Lorrie met Don, Daniel, Edward, Peter, Sean, Bill, Mark, and Jesse at a speed dating event. She spent eight minutes with each man before being shuttled on to the next. At the end of the evening, she chose Peter, who luckily also chose her. The event coordinators emailed the pair each other’s phone number and they dated for the subsequent seven months.

Nat met Erica at a small Shabbat dinner at a friend’s house. They shared the same circle of friends, but had yet to meet each other until their friend Paul set them up. Knowing Nat already came with a sound recommendation, she was open to taking an evening stroll with him after dinner. Seven years later, they are still taking evening strolls.

Sally met Sarah on Facebook. They used to date back in college in the 70’s, but recently found each other again on the popular social media site. Sarah had a work-trip in San Francisco where Sally was living, and the two met up in Chinatown for dinner and drinks. Now, Chinatown is a monthly tradition Sarah flies in for.

Today, over 10 million singles employ electronic technology to meet, whether by online dating or to find groups and events to meet other singles. The booming industry of online dating has yielded over 1,400 virtual bars and many a marriage. Partners-to-be can streamline the process of meeting people with shared values and interests by perusing pages upon pages of profiles.

While online dating can save time, many complain that the constant rummaging rules out potential candidates too quickly, not allowing enough time to let the magnets do their magic before impulsively window-shopping to the next profile. As local couples’ therapist Ben Cohen points out, “People can get into a consumer mentality to meet as many people as possible.”

However, those opposed to online dating don’t have to sweat being single. We still meet partners in bars and parties, in classes, at dinners through friends of friends, at the gym, on the Mesa Trail, at in-person speed dating events, through matchmaking services like Just For Lunch, or through Meetup.com where people find groups and events with like interests.

And then there are those who don’t have to sweat being single because they prefer the solo lifestyle. The Quirkyalone movement, started by Sasha Cagen, highlights those who prefer to be single rather than settle.  Cagen states,

Quirkyalone (or choosing to stay single) isn’t so much about being alone as it is about connection: with yourself and others…It’s about developing comfort with aloneness and recognizing that comfort is crucial to being with someone else.”

These people enjoy being single, but are open to relationships with the right person. But whether we date the right person, or the right person for now, meeting a future partner can be an art. Some hunt in the wilderness, some prefer to shop in the meat-market at the kosher deli, and some prefer to sit down at Southern Sun for a delectable veggie burger. What kind of meat or where you shop does not matter. If you meet the right person, the meal never gets old.

Joseph still sings Jack Johnson songs to Anne 10 years later.

Do you remember when we first met? I was crazy about you then, and now the craziest thing of all is over 10 years have gone by and you’re still mine.”

Ultimately, it’s about the connections we create.

Larry and Rebecca evacuated to a friend’s house in Denver. That night they made love. That evening, sex signified comfort, connection, and reassurance. It was the best sex Larry has experienced in over 20 years. For him, sex always means closeness and showing love to Rebecca. For Rebecca, however, sex oftentimes feels like a sense of duty. She wants to give him a gift and knows that sex feels good to him. But Rebecca doesn’t define sex in the same manner as Larry.

Sex means different things to all of us, and thus, we all have various motives for engaging in it. A study in Sexuality & Culture found 237 reasons people stated for having sex. The classic top three include procreation, pleasure, and to show love to a partner.

The study illuminates the concept of body-centered sex versus person-centered sex. Body-centered sex accentuates having sex for corporal pleasure while lacking an emotional backdrop. Person-centered sex emphasizes the relationship and the emotional connection with a partner. Regarding gender differences, body-centered sex is found to be manifested more by men, while person-centered sex is more common with women. It’s like the old adage: women fall in love with people; men fall in love with genitals.

The redemption in this overstated stereotype is that as we age, the relationship becomes more important to men, while women learn to fully accept physical pleasures of the body. Sex therapist David Schnarch similarly points out that during adolescence and young adulthood we may hit our genital prime where hormones are in the driver seat. Yet in later adulthood, we awaken to our sexual prime whereupon we assign more meaning to sex.

David, 30 years old, notes that he is initially drawn to have sex based on a visceral attraction for another. Yet when that attraction settles in deeper, sex becomes love making.

On the other hand, Shanna Katz, Resident Sexuality Educator at Fascinations, is deeply connected to her bodily pleasure.  Others have sex because they like being naked with someone else, or for the connection and to remind a spouse that he is adored.

Scientist Jared Diamond, and author of “Why Sex is Fun,” explains that human beings are the only species having regular sex for reasons beyond procreation. We have sex with various partners irrelevant of breeding, whether with the opposite gender, same gender, or alone. We have sex although we have no idea when we are ovulating. We have sex although we have stopped ovulating (menopause).  At the end of the day, as Jared Diamond says, sex is fun.

Have a Sexy Shabbos!

Note: Meet Dr. Jenni in person at Ignite Chanukah on December 2. Visit IgniteChanukah.com for info and tickets!

Sheila never dreamed that she would have the best sex of her life one steamy night at a Marriott with a man she just met over a discussion on stocks and bonds. Mike never imagined that he would pay $800 to learn about money just to blow off the majority of seminars. But when Mike saw Sheila, he was instantly attracted. Maybe it was the pheromonal chemistry, or maybe it was the way she twirled her strawberry-blond hair around her slender finger. Either way, Mike was mesmerized.

Luckily, Mike kept up with his sex education through the Sexy Shabbos and he knew he had to seduce Sheila to pique her interest. He started by offering her a coffee and some dark chocolate mints, and then complimented her courage on attending a male-dominated conference.  She laughed at this, but allowed him to sit next to her. The seduction continued as they lubricated their brains with rousing conversation from religion to rock climbing.

Mike then invited Sheila to lunch and continued to seduce her with homemade rugelah and a bottle of Mogen David. Eager to take it to the next stage, Sheila slipped her foot out of her heel and slid her toes up Mike’s leg under the table.

And so begins the sensation or arousal stage where Mike and Sheila went up to her hotel room and continued to touch, fondle, and electrify each other’s necks, legs, and lips. It was only one night and they’d never have to see each other again. Or so they thought.

As they laid there in bed, reflecting on their post-orgasmic bliss, they realized the whole experience was so delicious, it begged to be repeated—20 minutes later. Then two hours later. Then again after room service dinner and a pay-per-view movie.

By the end of the seminar, they had a stockpile of positive experiences to reflect back upon—and thus decided to meet once every few months to have a sexual rendezvous.

Sheila and Mike underwent a positively perfect example of Dr. David Reed’s model of human sexual response. They experienced seduction, sensation, surrender, and finally, reflection.

The reflection stage is a time to look back over the sexual episode and size up its worth. If we felt good and all the stages were satiated—seduction, sensation, and surrender—then we often look forward to a repeat sex session. If we felt bad or unfulfilled, then we may steer clear of future sexual encounters.

Sometimes we reflect back on more than just the latest sexual incident, but also the past few ones, or events as far back as childhood. As pleasurable as the most recent sex might have been, our past will still affect how we experience the world in the present. It’s like we are schlepping a backpack into the bedroom. Some of us go mountaineering and some of us go ultra-light. What we stow in the backpack shapes how we have sex and how we feel about it. If you suffered from sexual trauma, you may face some blocks with sexual intimacy. Getting rid of these items may mean unpacking and sorting through stuff with a partner, friend, or therapist. It may also mean adding updated items such as new, enjoyable sexual experiences. Like Sheila and Mike, if you start collecting appetizing sexual adventures, your backpack will feel filled with more positive than negative—and those fun times can help drive you forward.

So pop open a bottle of port, plug in the disco ball, and pull out the old shag rug from the early days when you did it on the floor. If you prefer to be in bed by candlelight with soft jazz in the background, that’s cool too.

Either way, it’s time to re-pack your bag and get on the trail. There are many exciting sexual escapades waiting to be experienced—and remembered. Have a Sexy Shabbos!

Previously we painted orgasm as a journey of pleasure to which we must surrender ourselves over. Surrendering entails trust of ourselves and our partners. Building trust means we have to be willing to be vulnerable—to physically, sexually, and emotionally undress. This is the secret to unlocking that deeper layer of true intimacy, and oftentimes, that inner orgasm.

But even just trusting ourselves, getting naked in the mirror, or getting naked with those underground layers of uncomfortable emotions, can be quite difficult. To surrender to our highest pleasure potential, we have to let go of what we look like, what we sound like, what we smell like. And we most certainly have to let go of goals, or the idea of “achieving an orgasm.”

Surrendering to our inner orgasm means we must search for that deeper erogenous experience—whether it be genital or non-genital, with ejaculation or without.

Eastern cultures differ from what US society sets as sexual standards. Taoist traditions, for example, teach women to ejaculate and men not to. Ejaculation and orgasm are separate events—for both men and women.

Many pre-adolescent boys experience orgasm before their ability to ejaculate. Even in adulthood, some men can still have an orgasm without ejaculation—or learn to—and some men can prolong ejaculation after orgasm. Others learn to be multi-orgasmic, especially with the help of Taoist author Mantak Chia. In his book, “The Multi-Orgasmic Man“, Chia proposes that ejaculation depletes energy and therefore, building inner energy requires learning to orgasm without ejaculation.

Local Tantra educator Dawn Beck, states most men call ejaculation, “cumming”, when really it’s “going”. According to Tantra, the ejaculatory inevitability, or point of no return, is the single moment when a man feels most connected to his partner. Directly after, however, he often turns off and the connection fizzles. Beck’s partner, Gerard Gatz, adds, “If a man can learn to be in control of his ejaculation, it will help keep him connected to his partner and help him experience a full body orgasm.”

Beck and Gatz help prolong ejaculation by utilizing breath, sound, and specific techniques. Rather than shooting out ejaculate through the urethra, squeezing the PC muscle can help redirect energy and pleasure back into the whole body, and even help keep an erection.

Regarding women, some experience wetness all through arousal and into orgasm, while others may feel like a Fountain of Youth. Not many females actually have the ability to spurt like Old Faithful, nor does science know much about female ejaculate. No, it does not come from the bladder. No, it’s not urine. Yes, it comes from the Skene’s glands. Yes, women have had this dazzling talent since Adam stroked Eve. If you are one of those gushing geysers of succulent satisfaction, then go ahead and celebrate your extraordinary gift.

And if you are not, don’t worry, as many women are able to access their inner orgasm without fluid emission, and without even having genital contact.

Sex researchers, Drs. Beverly Whipple and Barry Komisaruk, co-authors of “The Science of Orgasm ” studied women who could have a mind-gasm using mental imagery. When these women thought about different body parts, those same corresponding parts were activated in the brain’s sensory cortex as if actually stimulated. Rather than jacking-off, some women consider this “thinking off.”

Studies document very few men being able to similarly think their genital systems into a mind-gasm. However, a huge number of both men and women with spinal cord injuries have expressed the ability to experience orgasm through various erogenous zones.

Sex educator Dr. Mitch Tepper, a wheelchair user with a spinal cord injury, emphasizes how the able-bodied population could learn some lessons from those in chairs about experiencing an orgasm in the ear, neck, or nipples. Tepper also advocates for a Tantra slant to sexual intimacy as this approach does not equate sex with intercourse nor mandates orgasm as the ultimate goal.

The idea is to access your highest pleasure potential. And all of us, men and women, with or without a disability, with or without fluid emission, with or without genital contact, can find our inner orgasm when we surrender to the symphony of sensations called sex.

Surrender so often means waving the white flag and giving in. Yet when having an orgasm, that is exactly what we are doing. We are allowing ourselves to relinquish control, to step down from the stage, and fall off the cliff as we melt into the satisfying sensations. To win, in this case, means we must surrender.

My friend, Mr. Anonymous (because this is sexy shabbos and he prefers to withhold his name when I describe his struggles with sexual function), is an ambitious banker. He is a man of business who invests often and invests well. He sets goals and he meets them.  Except when it comes to sex.

Mr. Anonymous is 34. He takes Viagra to ensure an erection, even though he medically does not need it. He pressures himself to perform—to have a rockin’ erection, and an earthquake orgasm. In reality, he experiences an uncomfortable four-hour erection, no ejaculation, and an ebb and flow of satisfaction and stress…without the orgasm.

Mr. Anonymous is so focused on meeting his goal that he is not able to relax into the pleasure. He is not able to melt into the moment. He is not able to surrender.

While Mr. Anonymous suffers from stage fright-performance anxiety, countless women also struggle with surrendering into the possibility of orgasm. Like standing at the top of a ski basin looking at the bowl below, it takes a lot of courage to take that jump off the cliff. We let go of any control and hope that the snow is soft and will support our fall as we descend into the delight of fresh powder. But even if we intellectually know that we will land in three feet of supple snow, our body may hold on in fear of falling—of looking look silly, or stupid, or odd as we hit that climatic point. One woman worried that her partner would giggle at her when she had an orgasm. Another woman worried that she might have a loose bladder at the crucial moment.

Maybe there will be some giggling, maybe there will be some urinary accidents, and maybe Mr. Anonymous will lose his erection in the middle of sex. These things sometimes happen. But surrendering to pleasure requires a willingness to be vulnerable and an understanding that sex is more than penetration, and pleasure need not result in an orgasm.

For men like Mr. Anonymous this may mean learning to use the penis as a tool of pleasure, irrelevant of how erect or limp it is. If the penis is a paintbrush, then the canvas can be genetalia, a butt, a stomach, a thigh, a breast, or the owner’s own hand. A man can stroke his canvas in slow sensual circles adding rhythm, tempo, and pressure as needed. Mr. Anonymous can also use his finger, mouth, or other body parts as tools of pleasure. And again, if there is any goal in this activity, it’s to have pleasure.

For women, learning to surrender may mean asking or telling a partner for what feels safe during sex. Some women like eye contact, some like their cheeks to be slowly stroked, some like to hear the words, “I love you.” And some may need to be thrown up against the shower wall and lustfully licked from neck to knee. In a culture where it is often easier to have sex than to talk about it, asking for what you need or what feels safe may call for a conversation before you get to the bedroom.

If a conversation about sex still feels scary, you may need to build more trust in the relationship. The more we trust ourselves and our partners, the more we are able to give in to that tipping point of sexual pleasure that we often call orgasm.

In the end, winning requires us to resign ourselves to the sexual experience whether or not it delivers fully firm erections or earth-shattering orgasms. Orgasm is not something we accomplish. It is not a destination. It’s a journey of maximum pleasure to which we surrender to win.