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Sexy Shabbos: It’s All About Connections

For hundreds of years partners met each other when walking down the aisle of their own arranged marriage. Nowadays, people meet well before marriage and in a variety of venues.

Joseph met Anne during orientation week at college. He was instantly attracted to her, but Anne had a boyfriend back home. They began a sweet friendship in chemistry class and began backpacking on weekends. Anne’s long distance relationship eventually disintegrated, and her friendship with Joseph started to ignite. They shared a kiss one evening over a campfire and became insatiably inseparable ever since.

Steven met Julie online at Jdate.com. Steven’s profile said he wanted a woman between 30-39, who liked cats, sarcasm, snowboarding, bluegrass music, and meditation. Julie fit the bill perfectly and two years later they were married at the top of Vail Mountain, snowboards in hand.

Lorrie met Don, Daniel, Edward, Peter, Sean, Bill, Mark, and Jesse at a speed dating event. She spent eight minutes with each man before being shuttled on to the next. At the end of the evening, she chose Peter, who luckily also chose her. The event coordinators emailed the pair each other’s phone number and they dated for the subsequent seven months.

Nat met Erica at a small Shabbat dinner at a friend’s house. They shared the same circle of friends, but had yet to meet each other until their friend Paul set them up. Knowing Nat already came with a sound recommendation, she was open to taking an evening stroll with him after dinner. Seven years later, they are still taking evening strolls.

Sally met Sarah on Facebook. They used to date back in college in the 70’s, but recently found each other again on the popular social media site. Sarah had a work-trip in San Francisco where Sally was living, and the two met up in Chinatown for dinner and drinks. Now, Chinatown is a monthly tradition Sarah flies in for.

Today, over 10 million singles employ electronic technology to meet, whether by online dating or to find groups and events to meet other singles. The booming industry of online dating has yielded over 1,400 virtual bars and many a marriage. Partners-to-be can streamline the process of meeting people with shared values and interests by perusing pages upon pages of profiles.

While online dating can save time, many complain that the constant rummaging rules out potential candidates too quickly, not allowing enough time to let the magnets do their magic before impulsively window-shopping to the next profile. As local couples’ therapist Ben Cohen points out, “People can get into a consumer mentality to meet as many people as possible.”

However, those opposed to online dating don’t have to sweat being single. We still meet partners in bars and parties, in classes, at dinners through friends of friends, at the gym, on the Mesa Trail, at in-person speed dating events, through matchmaking services like Just For Lunch, or through Meetup.com where people find groups and events with like interests.

And then there are those who don’t have to sweat being single because they prefer the solo lifestyle. The Quirkyalone movement, started by Sasha Cagen, highlights those who prefer to be single rather than settle.  Cagen states,

Quirkyalone (or choosing to stay single) isn’t so much about being alone as it is about connection: with yourself and others…It’s about developing comfort with aloneness and recognizing that comfort is crucial to being with someone else.”

These people enjoy being single, but are open to relationships with the right person. But whether we date the right person, or the right person for now, meeting a future partner can be an art. Some hunt in the wilderness, some prefer to shop in the meat-market at the kosher deli, and some prefer to sit down at Southern Sun for a delectable veggie burger. What kind of meat or where you shop does not matter. If you meet the right person, the meal never gets old.

Joseph still sings Jack Johnson songs to Anne 10 years later.

Do you remember when we first met? I was crazy about you then, and now the craziest thing of all is over 10 years have gone by and you’re still mine.”

Ultimately, it’s about the connections we create.

About Dr. Jenni Skyler

Jenni Skyler, PhD, MSEd is a sex therapist and board certified sexologist. She is the Director of The Intimacy Institute for sex and relationship therapy in Boulder, Colorado. She holds a doctorate in Clinical Sexology and a Master of Education in Counseling Psychology - Marriage and Family Therapy track. She has worked in the field of sexual health as a therapist, educator, and public health consultant since 2005. In addition, Jenni is a PAIRS® certified instructor and hosts workshops and retreats to help couples emotionally enrich their relationships.

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